Being difficult

Last night in church, a 3ish little boy ran up the aisle, followed by a 5 year old sis and delightedly proclaimed, "I want to sit here!" A couple seconds later, his sheepish mother came to retrieve him, saying "We have to see someplace else because Mommy has to go up in front to sing."

Uh oh. You know what can happen when a 3 year old makes a decision that gets usurped. Meltdown followed, all the way to the back of the church. First protestations, then shrieks, then crying. He must have been whisked away because I lost track of him.

Phew! Oh I remember those days. Thought about them all through the first part of mass - when I was supposed to be listening and praying. Hmmm what does that say about me? Church ADD? Or is that what church is about - time for reflection upon one's life? That is what I end up doing most weeks. While gospel readings teach many lessons, sometimes they leave me wondering, "what does that mean..."

So the meltdown helped me recall what a difficult child one of our children was at that age. Let's call him Jud. Amy had her moments and was very stubborn, but she was more easily distracted and even reasoned with. Jud was a firecracker, especially when he was a wiry strong 3-4 year old.

Jud could be a strong-willed child who sometimes had tantrums. They were loud and physical. While we could send Amy to the time-out chair and expect her to mostly sit there during her "sentence" Jud sometimes wouldn't stay put there. So his time-outs were in his room, where I would sit in front of the door, since I wasn't strong enough to hold the little wiggling bastard in my lap. He would be in a rage, and would throw things, stomp and yell. It was scary!

When he wasn't throwing a fit, Jud was really cute, and could be so funny and fun. He was a great athlete and learned to ride a bike without training wheels at age 3. He loved all boy stuff and idolized Amy and her imagination. She would come up with wonderful pretend activities - school, superhero stuff, and in the activities Jud always wanted his pretend name to be Jerry, because it started with J just like his name. But he sometimes lacked self control when things didn't go his way.

Tantrums could be set off by just saying "no" to something he wanted, cutting his sandwich the wrong way, and transitions. He hated transitions. When he was having fun playing at a friend's house, he hated when I came to pick him up - and we would have a knock down drag out when I did get him in our van to go home.

I'm embarrassed to admit I didn't always handle Jud's tantrums the right way - I lost control and reacted in anger, yelling back even spanking upon occasion. Sometimes I just stomped off to my room, or locked myself in the bathroom to calm down. Thank goodness I wasn't a single parent!

When Jud started kindergarten at age 5, he had suffered from frequent throat infections and the doc suggested removing his tonsils. So some 15 years ago now, he went under the knife. There were complications and he had to have his throat cauterized a couple weeks later. It was a rough time and he missed some school.

So one day, after he'd been back to school a few days he told me at breakfast, "I'm not going to school today!" We went through the usual threats, bribes etc. Still he refused and I wasn't big enough to make him go. I did get him into our light blue woody Chrysler van sometime that morning, and pulled up in front of St. Malachy School. He wouldn't get out and go in.

So I left him flopping around on the back seat putting his feet on the ceiling, and went in to cry on Principal John Walsh's shoulder. And cry I did! It was so frustrating and embarrassing. Then I took a short walk downtown. When I came back, I stuck my head into the van and he said, "Okay I'm ready to go in now." So he did, though school was over (it was only 1/2 day then) in about 30 minutes. Jud Goldsmith - the only kid to skip school as a kindergartner and not in high school (that I know of). *Note, he did have consequences for his actions of the day- lost episodes of GI Joe, or not being able to go play with friends.

Jud continued to be a strong willed child - causing Paul and me a great deal of angst and stress throughout his early childhood. By 10th grade, Jud became a much easier to deal with guy. Today, he's a very responsible college junior who is fun to be around. He's got a wonderful large group of friends at college and is getting good grades. I'm so proud he's our son!

So don't worry mother of yesterday's difficult child - chances are, ever without perfect parenting, he'll turn out fine!