The good part

There is a good part to the Patrick story - though it's taken a long time to truly appreciate it. It was the people. All the people who rallied around us during that awful time.

They started coming to our house right away, after the word went out that he was terminally ill. Church ladies stopped by with coffee and paper products. Others brought food - homemade and meat trays from the store. Some just dropped things off with whomever opened the door (we had relatives helping) and others came in for a hug and a chat. Others just wanted us to know they cared - and showed us with a card and a smile and a word.

Everyone helped with Amy and Jud, who were nearly 3 and 6 at the time. Making sure they ate, keeping them entertained. My sisters did Amy's hair for the funeral.

Father Howard, on one visit, expressed concern about how we would pay for the funeral and medical expenses. He whipped out an envelope full of several thousand dollars in cash and insisted we take it - and pay it back when we could. It was from someone who preferred to remain anonymous he said. (I still think it was him...)
Our parents helped us with funeral expenses, so we paid it back shortly - it made us nervous.

After the fog of the events of Patrick's birth, short life and death followed by the funeral, I took the most solace in talking with other parents who had lost children. They were the ones who showed me how to do it. How to be a parent of a dead child. Pat Pokorny was one of those - a survivor of three babies and infants due to birth defects. And to add to those sorrows, the Pokornys also lost a teen to a tragic motorcycle accident. Pat ran the Friends of New Parents program.

Methodist Hospital hooked us up with a couple other grieving parents - some who were a bit farther down the path than we were. One took the time to call me - and we shared our stories with each other. That was very therapeutic for me. We also attended a couple grief groups - one included someone from the family that lost the daughter the day Jud was born.

I wish I could fast forward through the worst of the grief process for the Moellers. Alas it can't be done. Each of us has to work through the tough time ourselves. But the people help. They help us get through it.

When Paul and I started going out in public again, after Patrick's death, I felt like a glowed in the dark. Like I had a sign on me saying "sucky parent". I didn't want to smile lest those who knew would think I was over it already. I couldn't make my body dance - that was too joyful for someone grieving.

This too shall pass. But it takes a long time. Steve, Pat and Steven need us to help.