Marriage

Elizabeth Weil, in her Motherlode column, in the New York Times, says in her December 1 column on marriage,

"I've never believed you just married one day at the altar or the justice of the peace. I believe you become married - truly married - over time through road rage incidents and pre-colonoscopy enemas, and all the large and small moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn't plan to endure."

True words, those. Some couples today, in my view, spend more time thinking about the wedding day than the marriage. So it should be no surprise when, a few years later the marriage is kaput!

My sis Cindo had a girl in her high school class whom all the class called Veil because her goal was to get married. Nothing beyond that. I don't know if she was successful at that or not.

In college, my friends and I knew a gal named Jolene - we called her "the Big O". No, not because of that. Because she was so organized! Vic and I met Jolene and a nice group of girls our sophomore year. Vic and I wanted to go skiing over spring break, but none of our friends were on board with that plan. We wanted to go with a group.

So we plucked a sign of the 'vator wall in Maple Hall, the dorm where we lived. (that's elevator for you who don't speak 70's college lingo). The sign said girls were looking for people to share a condo for skiing in Breckenridge, CO. Perfect! Vicki called the number on the sign and we met and started making plans - Jolene, Terry, Sherry, Cindy & Deb were 1st floor gals. Jane Ertl also joined the group - not sure where she lived. We lived on 6th so it wasn't a long walk to start planning. The Big O true to her soon to be nickname - yep Vic and I dubbed her "O" had the trip planned down to who brought carrots.

The trip was a start of a long friendship with those ladies. The next year, our junior year, we all ended up living at 230 Campus Ave. - that group lived in the 200's (along with the group containing Pablo whom I met later that fall. The Big 4 (Vic, Jane, Sal, Les) lived in the 400's.

As we got to know Jolene, we realized that she was really at ISU for an MRS. degree. Ha - that is the tired old cliche about someone going to college to find a man. She was studying elementary education, and nope she didn't find Mr. Wonderful in college. I think she scared all the guys away - much like Veil, when she went on date 1 with a guy, she would mentally be picking out her wedding colors and how she'd decorate her bathroom in the fam home.

I'm sad to say I lost track of the Big O. She moved to Colorado and taught kindergarten. I think she ended up getting married. She did organize purchase of wedding gifts for many of our friends in those post college years - lasagna pans. Oh, lasagna was her signature meal - the one she invited Mr. Wonderful over for after date 1, while she was planning the wedding.

I hope you found your dream Jolene. And all you wedding planners out there - plan beyond the table decorations, the DRESS, readings, reception and even the honeymoon.

Paul and I have helped with our church's marriage ministry for the past 17 years or so. (I think we're out now, thanks to the new priest and my letter to the editor supporting gay marriage). We met with couples several times prior to marriage, to go over marriage stuff - financial, problems solving, family, money, parenting. Stuff couples need to talk about.

I'd like to say Pablo and I were totally prepared for marriage 27 years ago when we got hitched. Not so much. But we had gone through a weekend retreat the church required. Relationships change through the years - and I'm fortunate ours has successfully transitioned along through the bumps and peaks - and valleys, of life.