Language of Love

Bundled with my baby

Paul and I attended a Marc Cohn concert Thursday - he of "Walking in Memphis" fame. He is a singer-songwriter whose songs tell stories - about his family, career and what else - love. One love song, "Perfect Love" is about his brother and wife who have been married for over fifty years. Marc says his brother tells him the song should be entitled something more like "Enduring Love" - because no love is perfect - especially love in marriage. True dat.

Marc Cohn Temple of Performing Arts

pre-concert martini

It may be hard for newlyweds to believe, but that giddy romantic love doesn't last. Not for 36 years anyway. It takes perseverance and some laughter. My honey and I had that this past week....he's been bowhunting. It's that time of year - when I usually start feeling a little cranky. It's my birthday dammit, and he spends days at a time in a tree. I don't mind alone time - but it can get old.

So last Friday I got a "take and bake" HyVee pizza that we ate after he rolled in from his tree down in southern Iowa. I ate a couple pieces sitting my comfy chair. When I went to put my plate in the dishwasher, I saw a black thing on the floor by my ottoman. Hmmm - sock fuzz? I picked it up and immediately recoiled - flinging it to the ground - it was squishy and warm. Worm! I appealed to Paul to save me. He picked it up - putting it right up to his face. Olive - he declared. We had a good laughed! He wished he would have popped it into his mouth.

On Sunday I was getting ready for a nice warm bath when I noticed a bug in my happy place - my tub. "Bug in the Tub", I yelled. Paul appeared in the blink of an eye. "Backrub?" he inquired (that's what he thought he heard), always hopeful, he. I pointed to the offending critter. The perks of marriage - bug removal. Yes, I'm a bug wimp.

What does the Internet think of you? Judging from the advertisements I see when I'm online, it's got me pegged as someone who really needs old lady slippers, pee proof underwear. I've tried to click on the slippers to get rid of the ad that hounds me on the New York Times. Even if I wanted slippers, now that they are trolling me, I refuse to consider Mahabis brand. Ever. And I'm not in need of pee proof undies - unless my girls make me belly laugh with a full bladder (bladder weakness courtesy of 2 9 pounder babies I believe).

huddled in the trailer - pregame

Yesterday's ISU game was one of the coldest I've attended. Big shout out to our fave tailgater host/engineer Kevin. He rigged up the generator to 2 heaters and we sat inside the small trailer eating soup, drinking beer. I suited up in ski pants and many layers with HotHands, toe warmers. Ugly but functional. Still, I shivered. Clones are now bowl eligible! This team just keeps winning. After the game we sat in the trailer again. McKims and Ehreckes are just fun to hang with. We laugh so hard - mostly at ourselves (but I didn't need the pee panties). Phew! Paul and I are off to visit our pal Paula Bacon in Austin for the Texas game next weekend. WooHoo. Hope there are no bugs there. 

Robyn sent me this pic on my bday. Friends for going on 58 years. We were adorable. Wonder who cut our bangs? Mom always put me in cute dresses for parties.

Alex got married!

I remember the first time I met Alex and his twin younger brother Paul in March of 1990. The two little guys were so very tiny - weighing in at around 6 pounds at birth. Amy and Judson each crushed that weight - entering the world at over 9 pounds.

That's Alex on the right, Paul on the left

And there were two of them! If one wasn't crying, eating or pooping, the other one was. The idea of twins (or more) is cool. But the reality is overwhelming - and I was only there a few days. I was glad to be part of their early days. After I left, poor Betso got sick with toxic shock and mastitis. Despite all that, A & P grew. Soon to be joined by three siblings. Such a cute fam. It's been fun watching them all grow up - from two time zones away.

2000 Cannon Beach

The good news is that we've had many occasions through the years to see each other. I chuckle thinking about the time niece Leslie and daughter Amy heated up one of the kid's bottles in the microwave for something like 4 minutes. Can you say HOT? Good thing Betso was right there to take charge.

In the last ten years, we've enjoyed spending longer periods of time with the Kohans every other year in Cannon Beach. Alex has always been a fairly quiet guy - unless we were talking about sports. While Alex attended college, his summer job was with the city - a summer camp with kids. He found out how much he loved working with special needs children. That led to extra innings in college while he pursued credits in education. Alex lights up when talking about this topic and his students. Then he met Lisa a fellow teacher. More lighting up! So we weren't surprised when they became engaged last year.

Christine, Paul, Jud, Kara

Scenic view at the winery - and our fam

We were so glad we had this date: 8/4/18 on our calendar all year. Our whole fam was attending - along with my sisters and brother-in-law Jim. Our family hadn't been to Kennewick, Washington since 2000. We all converged in town by Friday for a big family meal at a winery that night. (The rehearsal was the night before.) We had a great time catching up with family and friends. I enjoyed hearing the kids visiting with their cousins. Lots of laughter!

On Saturday, we had some time to explore before the festivities. Our family and Aunt Cindo decided to check out the local a mercantile and a couple wineries. We tasted lots of salsas, pickles, nuts and many wines.

The second place had a wine pourer from South Carolina whose husband was on the Clemson championship team in the 80's. It was a fun time. The views were stupendous!

Then we were off to the Promise Garden for Alex and Lisa's outdoor wedding. It was such a lovely day, upper 80's - not nearly as hot as it could have been. Their vows were straight from the heart. Everyone looked so beautiful and handsome. Then they were announced as man and wife!

We dined on Olive Garden and delish treats and cake made by the bride's mom. Let the dancing begin. Betsy admitted her mother/son dance brought tears to her eyes. It is a special time. Then, seeing that wedding ring on your son's finger. It seems so grown up. Congrats to grown-up Alex and bride, Lisa. We're glad you found each other.

We all had such a grand time laughing and talking. Of course, they played Love Shack. As usual, one of my favorite times was just hanging with our kids. After the wedding, riding back in the rental van, listening to Amy, Corey, Kara, and Jud (with a few additions by Paul and me) talk about shows they watch on TV. Their interactions and genuine friendship. Love.

Welcome to the fam Lisa! 

Marriage advice from a divorced guy

This is from  the Facebook page of a guy named Gerald Rogers. He posted this on the eve of his divorce. Evidently Gerald did some deep thinking about marriage once his was breaking up.




Reading through it - as someone who is married 31 years today, and a female, I thought I'd add my two cents worth in! I'll post my words in blue.

 

MARRIAGE ADVICE I WISH I WOULD HAVE HAD:

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had...

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that... woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love. 

You will get lazy - face it, it's human nature!  But make up for it, by making sure your spouse knows they are still special in your heart - not always second rate behind your children, your friends, your family - work etc.   

 

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

I think this one is worded funny - he's going for the fact that some married people seem to be still open for business. You know how some guys are, (and women) so flirty? Sure it's fun to get attention from other people. And some people need more attention than others. If you get married, you should probably stop this behavior - especially if you have a jealous spouse. If you are not married - stop seeking this behavior from married people.

 3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her. 

I don't really like the phrasing of this one either, but it's the right idea. When you live with someone every day, it's not possible to love everything about them. Hell, I even get sick of myself sometimes! It's true - if you're normal people, you'll change a great deal through your marriage, and that's why some people don't make it. They just don't change in the same way - people who got along at 25 may not be compatible at 35 - especially without a great deal of patience and effort. Personalities don't change but people can.

 4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

I don't think this is possible. You are going to be bugged by some things - you just need to get over them. I decided he puts up with just as much from me as I do from him. I try to treat him just as I would someone else (who is not married to me). So if he parks in a spot I don't like, I try not to chew him out. (I just learned this one recently - so he's been patient through all these years).

 5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

See above.

 6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

This is one I think is the reason for lots of angst - people blaming others and waiting for this or that for happiness. How many times does that thing come and they're still not happy? Or they settle into that next marriage - and they find out it's just as tough as the last one. Find your own happiness - but include your spouse in some of it!

 7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.
My husband and I don't argue much. He's so darn centered. I think this is probably very good advice. I'm pretty good at the silent treatment when I'm upset or angry - but I eventually get over it and talk.
 
9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.
This one is very important. We laugh a lot!

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.
Again - a great idea, but will it happen in the business of everyday life? Probably a good exercise, but that list will get stuck away somewhere soon...

 11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.
I don't always feel like the most valuable client - especially during deer and pro football season. Nor have I always given my husband VIP status. You know the drill - you married to the guy. He's stuck with you! So you give other things higher priority. Hmm. But who sits with you at the hospital when you get that bad diagnosis. Yep. Maybe it's time to prioritize better. Note to self!

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

I'm not going here.

 13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

Be friends and talk to each other. I hear of many couples keeping secrets about money, activities - I think that must chip away at a marriage...

 14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

You both need to have interests other than each other and your children. It's refreshing to get back together after you do something apart and fill each other in.

 15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

This is hard for some men. And some women. "I'm sorry" isn't easy to say.

 16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don't know i she will like what she finds... Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

I've heard of people who have gotten divorced and the guy said "I never really did love you". Man that would take a lot to recover from. That's on him. Why would someone play those games? I guess I'm too much of a "tell it like it is" person.

 17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

I like the malaria analogy. I've seen divorces in the case of one continuing to grow and the other not...or sometimes people grow in different directions. We can't always control that and it's sad - especially when kids are involved, but sometimes it's just best for everyone to move on.

 18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

This guy is dreaming if he thinks he can just say "don't worry about money". Work together as a team - that's a better strategy. If one is a saver and the other won't keep track of spending, that's going to cause friction and stress - even fights. Figure this out before you get married. Because it doesn't get better later.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

Good advice.

 20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him 'I do', and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

 

Photo below - Paul (that husband I brag about)...and me. Welp, we're still married after all these years. I amuse the guy - keep him on his toes! He treats me pretty well. We make a good team.

 

 

The person you marry

A wise person I know told me she gave this advice to her daughter recently..."I wouldn't have married the same person at 28 that I did at 22."

That got me pondering this week. After all...that's what I do.

How do some marriages make it through the years, yet others fail miserably in as little as 1 year? Sometimes it's a crapshoot! Deep, huh.

I would agree - you do know yourself much better at age 28, than at age 22. And I'd hope you would be a better judge of character as you age - less likely to fall under the spell of "love". The first stage of love is infatuation - and you shouldn't ever get married at that stage! Here's a question - at age 28 are you more likely to be bored with your life, career path and to be infatuated with the thought of being married or even of - gasp, having a fun party in the form of a wedding?

Don't forget about our old friend peer/family pressure. I think some people get to that stage in life when they think it's just time to married. In the Midwest, that seems to be younger than in other areas of the country. I don't know why they're in a rush - but it does work for some people.

When you marry young - how do you make sure you grow and change together, so you don't "fall out of love"?

Here are some words of wisdom Paul and I have shared with upwards of 30 or more couples we have worked with in our marriage ministry in the Catholic Church over the past fifteen years.

• This person you're marrying will be with you through all types of life situations - good times and bad, as the vows say. Make sure you know how to deal with the tough stuff as a team. In my case - as my Aunt Marty says - "as the going gets rough - the tough get bitchy" Paul knows how to deal with my bitchy side! And I know how to react on the rare occasions when he snaps.  
• Though none of us is Karnak the Magnificent, we need to be honest about our dreams for the future with ourselves and our future spouse. Will you be happy being a small town dweller, hanging with your hometown friends, golfing and working for your dad? Is that your spouse's dream too? What if one of you takes a class online - which opens up your world and you decide you want to move to a big city instead? Or your spouse finds religion? What if one became a golfaholic, or worse, alcoholic, ignoring her family? Those are all the types of things that have been known to break up marriages.
• Does marriage get boring? Hell yes! You can't possibly keep the level of enthusiasm you had at the beginning of the relationship. So you must learn how to settle into a mature relationship - the terrain of how you two fit together.
• If someone (often the woman) is totally submissive in the beginning, she should realize that eventually she won't feel so submissive. As I tell my husband (though I was never the shy, submissive type) as we women get older, some of our mufflers rust out a bit. So we're not so quiet any more...
• If Lover Boy/Girl has a habit that you find highly irritating, but you can live with it because you "love each other", know that the habit will not go away magically because you're married. You need to deal with it if it will cause problems.
• Your partner can be an easy scapegoat for your angst/anger. Love the one your with? More like take it out on the one your with! Bad day at work - smile through it and then nail your loved ones at home. That's safe! They can't fire you. (at least as easily as a job can...). If you want to stay married - figure out a way to avoid doing that - and how to say "I'm so sorry!"
• I'm certainly not the same sweet girl my husband married. And he's a changed man. Okay he's not all that different. We're partners - figuring out our path - together.

I could go on and on. My point? There is no perfect age for marriage. No matter what your age - it's a journey. One I'm glad I'm on my best friend with!

Susan is

Getting married! My friend Susan Grose is getting married! Not only that she's got a hot younger guy - Brian. I've known Susan practically since I moved to Creston - she was in my sorority. Spose I should explain that whole statement. You see I was a sorority reject in college, but I Creston, Iowa, Beta Sigma Phi welcomed me with open arms!

As a new kid in town, I was more than happy to be asked to join a ready-made group of friends! Julia Stuetelberg, wife of my Atlantic classmate classmate Dave who was a chiropractor in town put my name in as a candidate for this social sorority. My buddie Mary Faber called to ask me - Mary - the queen ambassador of friendship! Bobbie McFee, Mendy Ritzman, Susan Grose, Diana McKim, Gwen Buck - these are a few of the women I was fortunate enough to meet that first year of sorority.

Sorority meetings were my chance to get out of the house - to talk to real girls my age. It was the start of beautiful friendships! I didn't get to know Susan as well as some of the other people - but have always liked and admired her. Back then she was married to Dick Grose - an older guy who was hard to get to know. Dick and Susan divorced a few years ago and Susan began dating cute Brian a couple years back.

Last year she announced her engagement. I suspected she might be like Patti Kralik - eternally engaged. (Dean's been her fiance for the past 18 years or so...) But a couple weeks ago she surprised me by stating that April 30th is the date they set. Yippy! So we've all picked songs for the DJ to play. Susan's getting married!

Marriage thoughts

Last night we attended a celebration for the retirement of long-time Creston High School football team and teacher Dick Bergstrom. It was held at A&G downtown - put together by our former neighbors the Owens boys, Eric and Ethan - both good players who went on to play at Division AA Missouri schools.

It seemed like mostly players from the '90s who showed up. Not sure how people were invited besides Facebook - that's how I found out. McKims were there and Eric and Ethan's folks. Plus all of Coach's assistant coaches. Lots of people to talk to!

Dick was coach for nearly 30 years and touched a lot of lives. Amy bonded with him more than Jud - as he oversaw the weight program in the summer. He appreciated her work ethic - he recently dropped off a chart from her frosh summer. She didn't miss a day of weights. She did her work/study in his classroom.

Jud wasn't as big a fan, as he played for him. He didn't really grow until his junior year and got no breaks in playing time until they discovered he was an awesome punter. Someday he'll realize he had a special coach but for now he's still too young to see it. Coach B touched a lot of lives and is a really good guy. I'm glad my kids know him.

But today, instead of that, I found myself thinking about a couple of divorces of those kids that I heard about last night. Jed Gammell and Sarah Coen were a couple high school sweethearts that seemed to be made for each other. They got married after college and had three sons. I was stunned and saddened to hear last night that they've just gone through a contentious divorce.

And one of the Owens boys, Eric married a local gal, Aimee Hilger only to divorce a couple years later. I heard about that last year. Again - I was shocked. It's been a few years since that happened and I'm glad for Eric that he's engaged to be married this fall. I noticed Eric's parents hugged some of his former in-laws at last night's event. It's nice that they're all still civil.

So during today's 5 mile walk, I lamented to myself about these young people. What happens? Why don't their marriages last? There are lots of ways for a marriage to fail - how can we count the ways? Impossible!

Some people just aren't meant to be together - it's evident from the start. But what about those couples that seem perfect for each other. And then they aren't? All through life we grow and change. When one partner changes in a way that isn't acceptable to the other, the marriage breaks down. Or unfaithfulness (and there are many ways to be unfaithful). What if one finds religion suddenly? Or quits work and won't earn a living. How much time should each of you spend on kids' activities or house work etc?

A friend's sister just celebrated her 25th wedding anniversary. The family would have taken bets against that couple making it to that milestone! Even as recently as last year. Yet they keep plugging along. Sometimes each day is a milestone!

Marriage

Elizabeth Weil, in her Motherlode column, in the New York Times, says in her December 1 column on marriage,

"I've never believed you just married one day at the altar or the justice of the peace. I believe you become married - truly married - over time through road rage incidents and pre-colonoscopy enemas, and all the large and small moments that you never expected to happen and certainly didn't plan to endure."

True words, those. Some couples today, in my view, spend more time thinking about the wedding day than the marriage. So it should be no surprise when, a few years later the marriage is kaput!

My sis Cindo had a girl in her high school class whom all the class called Veil because her goal was to get married. Nothing beyond that. I don't know if she was successful at that or not.

In college, my friends and I knew a gal named Jolene - we called her "the Big O". No, not because of that. Because she was so organized! Vic and I met Jolene and a nice group of girls our sophomore year. Vic and I wanted to go skiing over spring break, but none of our friends were on board with that plan. We wanted to go with a group.

So we plucked a sign of the 'vator wall in Maple Hall, the dorm where we lived. (that's elevator for you who don't speak 70's college lingo). The sign said girls were looking for people to share a condo for skiing in Breckenridge, CO. Perfect! Vicki called the number on the sign and we met and started making plans - Jolene, Terry, Sherry, Cindy & Deb were 1st floor gals. Jane Ertl also joined the group - not sure where she lived. We lived on 6th so it wasn't a long walk to start planning. The Big O true to her soon to be nickname - yep Vic and I dubbed her "O" had the trip planned down to who brought carrots.

The trip was a start of a long friendship with those ladies. The next year, our junior year, we all ended up living at 230 Campus Ave. - that group lived in the 200's (along with the group containing Pablo whom I met later that fall. The Big 4 (Vic, Jane, Sal, Les) lived in the 400's.

As we got to know Jolene, we realized that she was really at ISU for an MRS. degree. Ha - that is the tired old cliche about someone going to college to find a man. She was studying elementary education, and nope she didn't find Mr. Wonderful in college. I think she scared all the guys away - much like Veil, when she went on date 1 with a guy, she would mentally be picking out her wedding colors and how she'd decorate her bathroom in the fam home.

I'm sad to say I lost track of the Big O. She moved to Colorado and taught kindergarten. I think she ended up getting married. She did organize purchase of wedding gifts for many of our friends in those post college years - lasagna pans. Oh, lasagna was her signature meal - the one she invited Mr. Wonderful over for after date 1, while she was planning the wedding.

I hope you found your dream Jolene. And all you wedding planners out there - plan beyond the table decorations, the DRESS, readings, reception and even the honeymoon.

Paul and I have helped with our church's marriage ministry for the past 17 years or so. (I think we're out now, thanks to the new priest and my letter to the editor supporting gay marriage). We met with couples several times prior to marriage, to go over marriage stuff - financial, problems solving, family, money, parenting. Stuff couples need to talk about.

I'd like to say Pablo and I were totally prepared for marriage 27 years ago when we got hitched. Not so much. But we had gone through a weekend retreat the church required. Relationships change through the years - and I'm fortunate ours has successfully transitioned along through the bumps and peaks - and valleys, of life.