The person you marry

A wise person I know told me she gave this advice to her daughter recently..."I wouldn't have married the same person at 28 that I did at 22."

That got me pondering this week. After all...that's what I do.

How do some marriages make it through the years, yet others fail miserably in as little as 1 year? Sometimes it's a crapshoot! Deep, huh.

I would agree - you do know yourself much better at age 28, than at age 22. And I'd hope you would be a better judge of character as you age - less likely to fall under the spell of "love". The first stage of love is infatuation - and you shouldn't ever get married at that stage! Here's a question - at age 28 are you more likely to be bored with your life, career path and to be infatuated with the thought of being married or even of - gasp, having a fun party in the form of a wedding?

Don't forget about our old friend peer/family pressure. I think some people get to that stage in life when they think it's just time to married. In the Midwest, that seems to be younger than in other areas of the country. I don't know why they're in a rush - but it does work for some people.

When you marry young - how do you make sure you grow and change together, so you don't "fall out of love"?

Here are some words of wisdom Paul and I have shared with upwards of 30 or more couples we have worked with in our marriage ministry in the Catholic Church over the past fifteen years.

• This person you're marrying will be with you through all types of life situations - good times and bad, as the vows say. Make sure you know how to deal with the tough stuff as a team. In my case - as my Aunt Marty says - "as the going gets rough - the tough get bitchy" Paul knows how to deal with my bitchy side! And I know how to react on the rare occasions when he snaps.  
• Though none of us is Karnak the Magnificent, we need to be honest about our dreams for the future with ourselves and our future spouse. Will you be happy being a small town dweller, hanging with your hometown friends, golfing and working for your dad? Is that your spouse's dream too? What if one of you takes a class online - which opens up your world and you decide you want to move to a big city instead? Or your spouse finds religion? What if one became a golfaholic, or worse, alcoholic, ignoring her family? Those are all the types of things that have been known to break up marriages.
• Does marriage get boring? Hell yes! You can't possibly keep the level of enthusiasm you had at the beginning of the relationship. So you must learn how to settle into a mature relationship - the terrain of how you two fit together.
• If someone (often the woman) is totally submissive in the beginning, she should realize that eventually she won't feel so submissive. As I tell my husband (though I was never the shy, submissive type) as we women get older, some of our mufflers rust out a bit. So we're not so quiet any more...
• If Lover Boy/Girl has a habit that you find highly irritating, but you can live with it because you "love each other", know that the habit will not go away magically because you're married. You need to deal with it if it will cause problems.
• Your partner can be an easy scapegoat for your angst/anger. Love the one your with? More like take it out on the one your with! Bad day at work - smile through it and then nail your loved ones at home. That's safe! They can't fire you. (at least as easily as a job can...). If you want to stay married - figure out a way to avoid doing that - and how to say "I'm so sorry!"
• I'm certainly not the same sweet girl my husband married. And he's a changed man. Okay he's not all that different. We're partners - figuring out our path - together.

I could go on and on. My point? There is no perfect age for marriage. No matter what your age - it's a journey. One I'm glad I'm on my best friend with!