Don't fail to allow failure

Are we a nation of Helicopter parents? This article in HuffPo has me scared. The title is, "Are We Raising a Generation of Helpless Kids?"

A couple of the stories in the article have me shaking my head. What have parents come to? We're afraid to allow our children to fail - paving their way through life until...when? How will they react when something doesn't go their way?

One story in the article is about a college freshman who receives a C- on an exam and right in the middle of class, she calls her mommy who wants to speak to the prof. He declined. Pat Bullock wouldn't approve. She believed in the school of "hard knocks". You deal with it. Mom did have her limits.

She picked me up when I didn't get any bids to be a sorority girl at ISU. Mom knew when to swoop in when necessary. (I guess Betsy's car getting nailed before her early morning in-home nursing visit in Omaha didn't qualify - sorry Bets). Staying in Ames would have left me hanging in the wind all weekend at the dorm while the other girls I went through rush with were getting ready for their welcoming ceremonies - torture. I don't remember the ride back to Atlantic for Labor Day weekend, but I'll wager it was painful for both of us.

Mom had encouraged me to go to Ames for Rush Week. I was a Kappa Kappa Gamma legacy! She loved her sorority experience at the University of Iowa and remained active as an alum. Cindy also loved KKG at Drake. Neither of Mom nor I knew what was in store - that the Iowa State University Greek system was at an all time high in popularity. That this little somewhat introverted SW Iowa bumpkin without the hair fixing gene was ill-equipped to face the gauntlet of rush.

While getting ready for the tours and parties - I started to "get it" - I wasn't a good fit for sorority life. I'd put my clothes on (I hadn't purchased a new wardrobe for this occasion) and a little eye shadow. Done! The other girls - oh the gyrations they went through and the beauty that emerged when they were through. I still don't know how to do that stuff, and obviously don't care to learn...it's not in my nature. Why would someone want to curl their eyelashes. Ouch! My makeup kit is a joke.

After my rejection from the Greek System - it was hard to return to ISU. But I sure wasn't staying in Atlantic! I bet Mom was fretting about it as she dropped me off again. Of course I wasn't thinking about her - I was all about me!

Dorm party - my roomie frosh Loraine on the left, Vic on the right and Jane in the back

The good news was that my pals Sal, Julia and friends I was soon to meet - Vicki and Jane, were not sorority girls. They lived on my dorm floor. It turned out better than okay for me - I met lifelong friends and did just fine without the Greek system. Thank goodness my mother didn't call the KKG main office and force them into admitting me into that house. I bet she considered it though...


My fro makes me taller than 5'10" Sally?

The next challenge was that D I got in Biology! Mom didn't call anyone then either. I figured out on my own how to change majors (several times - ending up with Fred Hoiberg's dad as my advisor), looked into (and rejected) the idea of going to a smaller school, and arranged for a tutor. It was all really hard to do. Doing all these things helped me grow up. My parents provided support to me in weekly phone calls (and cash). By spring semester I was getting As and Bs. I took Biology over and received an A my sophomore year. Still, as a third child and an introvert, it took me a long time to mature - many more years past college. Growing up is hard, even with supportive parents.

We parents do not like to watch our children fail. It hurts! Just like when they fall down - our urge is to rush in and fix it for them. When they were babies and took a spill - you could downplay it. Instead of rushing over you could say - from afar, "You're okay!" They'd often dust themselves off and keep on going. Real life can work like that - encouragement goes a long way.

Paul and I cannot claim perfect parent status. Just ask out kids. I swear they remember every parental "No No" I ever did, not thinking about the times I read to them, took them to the playground - the good stuff! But we did allow failure, and punishment when they were naughty. Again - not perfect but not helicopter.

In 1997, when I worked as Recycling Educator in Creston and my office was at Creston City Hall, the McFees and Goldsmiths took the children to the Lighted Christmas Parade. There was a soup supper at the Meal Site at City Hall. The kids got antsy and started running around. Amy and Krissy locked themselves in the City Council Chambers. That infuriated Kimmy and Jud who poked a plastic thing into the lock and snapped it off. Oops!

Jud and Kim HS Grad

The parents required them to apologize to the City Manager (the custodian was able to remove the plastic item) who gave them each a couple hours of trash pick up duty around City Hall as penance. Lesson learned. (At least it made me feel better - haha.)

One other thing we held back on was talking to coaches. And our kids played about everything so there were lots of opportunities! Parents get too wrapped up in this little microcosm of life -we were guilty too. We talked about sports too much at home - in front of Amy and Jud.

Coaches (and teachers) are like bosses - you're going to have good and bad ones. Kids need to learn to deal with them. It will help you later in life. They shouldn't have to put up with abuse, but when it comes to playing time - let them deal with it.

I believe in people being accountable for their actions. Too many parents today are trying to find ways to hold others accountable for what their kids do. How will that help them succeed in life?  I'm preaching to the choir here - I just wanted to let you all know that you're doing the right thing. It's not always easy. But it's right.