The stories that bind us...

Susan and Cindy - after one of Mom's bang trimming efforts, I believe

That was the title of an intriguing story I read in the New York Times recently. Stories - by Bruce Feiler

His article started out with the author describing a family gathering. You know how those can often go...we envision wonderful movie-type gatherings, with all the food done on time - and perfectly! Nobody drinks too much or argues about politics. In the author's case, he dared chastise is nephew for texting during the meal...then his sis got mad that he was trying to discipline her kid. His mom spoke up noting that none of the kids were well-behaved, after all, his girls were hanging spoons off their noses! It sounded like it evolved into a family fight. Was their family falling apart?

Bruce Feiler, the author, used the story to get to the meat of his article. He asks - What IS the secret sauce that holds families together? He spent a few years asking many people across the country - and he said a surprise theme emerged - that the single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative. 

I guess that's one of the things I'm trying to do with this blog. Yeah, I know...it's not like telling my story in person. But hey, I do what I can. I'm not going to repeat everything the article says because you can read it yourself - it's worth the time! And I did tell the stories when Amy and Jud were little. I've never been afraid of using myself (or my sissies) as examples...good or not so...(for the good of the team).

Marty and Dad in uniform

The main thing the I take away from the article is this - the people who know more about their families do better in crisis. The kids who have heard the stories that Aunt Cindy moved to Vail and worked 2 jobs because she refused to admit defeat and move home to Atlantic, know that others in the family have gone through hard times to live their dreams. And hearing the story about Aunt Marty moving to Denver - far, far away from Atlantic and her trials and tribulations of single life. How Aunt Jean went through a divorce and then she met her true love, Uncle Bruce. Dad had to go to military school because he tipped over an outhouse (and various other naughty things...but he turned out pretty good in the end). Mom was a fairy princess in her family - 10 years younger than her next older sibling - she spent summers in Independence. Stuff like that.

I was happy to see Betso at Bar-L Ranch

The author talked about a study where Emery Drs. Duke and Fivush asked children 20 questions. Here are some of the questions: Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?

Did you know the answers to these things when you were a child? Most families hide the bad stuff...and in some families, there's lots of bad stuff. But in some cases, people just leave families - it's their own choice.

Dr. Duke said:
The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. And it seems most importantly - knowing these stories, it is important for children to know they are a part of something larger than themselves - a family, one that handles success and failure and keeps plodding along.

Amy and Jud and my nieces and nephews seem to enjoy hanging around me and my sisters when we tell the family lore. I hope we haven't warped them!

One other note. Blood relatives aren't everything. Some people are rejected by their family members or due to circumstance aren't able to be with family. Friends can be family too - loves the ones you're with!