Your own toughest critic?

Our recent trip across Nebraska allowed me some "deep thought" time. Sure, I talked Paul into listening to a book with me. It was "Crime Song" by David Swinson. The main character is a coke (the drug, not the soda), addicted private investigator.

Listening to the book didn't lend itself to thinking time. It did help get into the mind of an addict though. The author does a great job of revealing the main character's thought train. He's a good guy, but first and foremost in his life is securing his next high. Life is complex. When you add in that layer, boy. I'm not sure how addicts do it. You can see how their lives quickly swirl towards disaster. Living hell comes to mind. I hope Congress - state and federal continues to work on this issue. 

When we weren't listening to the book I thought about a recent article I read in the NY Times. "Why You Should Stop Being So Hard On Yourself". It was a good read for me because I am guilty of that. (See, I am hard on myself).

Is that a good thing? Or bad. A little of both. Not being satisfied helps you strive for more, better. But constant self-derision is no good. 

I beat myself up (mentally) when I make mistakes at work. Yet I easily forgive others - after all, they're only human. Daughter Amy and I had a conversation about work mistakes last weekend. She depends on herself to proof everything because she is a one-person graphic design shop. Yes, she does require clients to "sign off" on projects, but even then, when mistakes are discovered after printing - she feels awful.

I reminded Amy that people are human. It's a good goal but is not logical to expect 100% perfection all the time. Amy works by herself. She doesn't have human peers - only her canine buddies, Franklin and Eros. They make mistakes that can be cleaned up with paper towels. When you work with other people I think it's easier to forgive yourself because you see and hear about other errors they make. 

My role model for diet and exercise is my bestie Deb Peterson. If you know her, you understand that she is one of the most disciplined people you'll ever meet. She has more self-control in her little finger than I do in my whole body. Deb makes up her mind to change her diet and she just does it. I waffle. Then eat waffles. Deb even works out on vacation. It took me years to join a gym and then hire a trainer.

At last week's training session, Torie, my 23-year-old, perky trainer tortured me with a "pick your poison" kind of workout. I had to pick a word and she'd look on a sheet and tell me, according to the letters in the word, what I had to do. I F-ing hate jumping jacks. Wall sitting for 30 seconds? Leg shakes. Every time she announced my torture, my face told the story. But I performed them all. Except for the plank. My shoulders don't do that anymore. I was being self-critical - that giant mirror doesn't help. Torie did tell me my lunges are getting better. Small victories. 

Then I remembered - I'm now 60 and really haven't worked out for about 10 years. Sure, I walk and ride my bike. When I lived in Creston, I worked out with my girlfriends. That was 2008. I'm trying again. Even though I hate it, I want to have a workout routine because I want to be in shape. 

I've had three weeks off from my volunteer gig at Lutheran Services of Iowa helping teach immigrants English. I'm looking forward to going back. The students genuinely wish to learn. I sometimes feel frustrated at my lack of ability to "reach" the students. My heart is in the right place and I will continue to try to find ways to improve my teaching skills.

Have you noticed those articles that tell you what/what not to wear, and what your hair should look like? I have a love/hate relationship with them. Part of me thinks I should be happy just being me, and the other part wants to "fit in". Ugh, why do I still want to fit in? I need more deep thinking time to solve that one.

If you can't tell, this blog kind of a self-evaluation. Right now I'm working on my evaluation for work too. Noting what I'm doing. Listing what I'll do next year and thinking about what can I do better. Trying not to beat to self-critical. 

What about you? Are you too hard on yourself? Do you carry that mantle around? If so, think about taking it off your shoulders. How would you do that? How would that feel? I'm still figuring it out.

Paul and I took our new kayaks out for a spin at Raccoon River Park this morning. They are beautiful Cyclone red!

Mine's name is Rio and Paul's is Buick (it's really Skylark - but that's not manly enough). It was a gorgeous morning and we love the new boats. They glide nicely and are lighter and shorter - easier to load in the truck. It's a great way to start a day! That sure helps one have a good self-attitude. 

The stories that bind us...

Susan and Cindy - after one of Mom's bang trimming efforts, I believe

That was the title of an intriguing story I read in the New York Times recently. Stories - by Bruce Feiler

His article started out with the author describing a family gathering. You know how those can often go...we envision wonderful movie-type gatherings, with all the food done on time - and perfectly! Nobody drinks too much or argues about politics. In the author's case, he dared chastise is nephew for texting during the meal...then his sis got mad that he was trying to discipline her kid. His mom spoke up noting that none of the kids were well-behaved, after all, his girls were hanging spoons off their noses! It sounded like it evolved into a family fight. Was their family falling apart?

Bruce Feiler, the author, used the story to get to the meat of his article. He asks - What IS the secret sauce that holds families together? He spent a few years asking many people across the country - and he said a surprise theme emerged - that the single most important thing you can do for your family may be the simplest of all: develop a strong family narrative. 

I guess that's one of the things I'm trying to do with this blog. Yeah, I know...it's not like telling my story in person. But hey, I do what I can. I'm not going to repeat everything the article says because you can read it yourself - it's worth the time! And I did tell the stories when Amy and Jud were little. I've never been afraid of using myself (or my sissies) as examples...good or not so...(for the good of the team).

Marty and Dad in uniform

The main thing the I take away from the article is this - the people who know more about their families do better in crisis. The kids who have heard the stories that Aunt Cindy moved to Vail and worked 2 jobs because she refused to admit defeat and move home to Atlantic, know that others in the family have gone through hard times to live their dreams. And hearing the story about Aunt Marty moving to Denver - far, far away from Atlantic and her trials and tribulations of single life. How Aunt Jean went through a divorce and then she met her true love, Uncle Bruce. Dad had to go to military school because he tipped over an outhouse (and various other naughty things...but he turned out pretty good in the end). Mom was a fairy princess in her family - 10 years younger than her next older sibling - she spent summers in Independence. Stuff like that.

I was happy to see Betso at Bar-L Ranch

The author talked about a study where Emery Drs. Duke and Fivush asked children 20 questions. Here are some of the questions: Examples included: Do you know where your grandparents grew up? Do you know where your mom and dad went to high school? Do you know where your parents met? Do you know an illness or something really terrible that happened in your family? Do you know the story of your birth?

Did you know the answers to these things when you were a child? Most families hide the bad stuff...and in some families, there's lots of bad stuff. But in some cases, people just leave families - it's their own choice.

Dr. Duke said:
The more children knew about their family’s history, the stronger their sense of control over their lives, the higher their self-esteem and the more successfully they believed their families functioned. And it seems most importantly - knowing these stories, it is important for children to know they are a part of something larger than themselves - a family, one that handles success and failure and keeps plodding along.

Amy and Jud and my nieces and nephews seem to enjoy hanging around me and my sisters when we tell the family lore. I hope we haven't warped them!

One other note. Blood relatives aren't everything. Some people are rejected by their family members or due to circumstance aren't able to be with family. Friends can be family too - loves the ones you're with!