Mom, Mom, Mom!

It's been a long time since I was in a crowd and heard someone yelling" Mom, Mom, Mom!" and my ears perked up - thinking, "is that my kid"? Even after our children were out of the nest my mom radar zeroed in on those calls - in a crowded store and at sporting events. What if Amy or Jud had snuck in and needed me? My point is - once one gives birth, Mom is forever.

Now that Jud and Kara are expecting a baby girl in September (yay!👶), I'm having memories of the pregnancy of our firstborn, Amy Elizabeth. Like the famous Butterfly McQueen quote from "Gone with the Wind" all I could think about when I learned I was pregnant was, "I don't know nothing 'bout birthing no babies!" or taking care of babies, raising babies, children - you get the picture.
As a youngster, I avoided babysitting. Babies and young kids were scary! I went along with some friends on their babysitting jobs, and my sisters babysat some. They seemed to know what they were doing. Not me! So as a young adult approaching parenthood, I took inventory. I'd held and been around niece Leslie - born the year before I was pregnant. My college roomie Vicki had her baby (even after the trial cat Cato didn't go so well) Kelli Behr, when I was pregnant. So little experience. I'd never changed a diaper or fed a baby. I was terrified! 

On my first Mother's Day - when I was pregnant with Amy, Paul and I drove from our home in Osage, Iowa to Austin, Minnesota to shop at the small mall there. He and I had a bet - one I couldn't lose. It was just a matter of time. If I ever saw a deer before he did, he'd buy me a diamond necklace. Yeah, that sounds simple now, but in 1985 in northern Iowa, they were rarer. On that day, I spied with my little eye a doe! He paid up with a simple gold necklace with a small diamond that I still wear today. It has all the feels!

Amy in car seat 

How did I cope with my concerns about keeping a tiny human alive once it made its exit from my body? Like I usually do - by reading! I purchased "What to Expect When You're Expecting" and the Dr. Spock baby book - a classic! I poured over the books.

Books did not prepare me for the pure joy and love I immediately had for the not so tiny (9 lb 7 ounces) bundle of joy born in mid-October (days later than the doctor promised). Amy Elizabeth was born just after 7 PM. I didn't sleep all night - even though the nurses took the precious bundle to the nursery. I was filled with adrenalin and the amazement of the miracle of birth. Plus I felt like I'd been hit by a truck!

Back then new moms/babes got to stay in the hospital for three whole days. St. Joseph Mercy in Mason City served Paul and me a fancy supper the first night - steaks and even a little bottle of wine. Amy seemed so tiny when we packed her off in the car seat for the half-hour drive to Osage from Mason City. She screeched part of the way and we felt so helpless in the front seat. We were on our way to many parenting hours/days of feeling helpless! Along with the good stuff, of course.

Through the first few weeks and months, poor Amy lived through trial and error. My mom came to help for a few days and was wise enough to know that her best role was cooking and doing laundry, allowing us to deal with the baby. Even after raising four babies, Mom knew that twenty-plus years had passed and she said she was out of practice. A heavy smoker, she kept her habit to the back porch on our rental place - which was good except that's where Paul put his deer hunting clothes! Oops. It was nice having her there doting on the baby. Dad made an appearance too - on his lingerie route. They bought us a rocking chair because you know - baby's need to rock.

Amy with Cabbage Patch doll Ollie Stanford in chair

In the mid-1980s, it was common for maternity leave to be six weeks - or less for some jobs. I believe I received some type of partial insurance payment for my time off of work. It was a good thing that I had that time. The pregnancy had taken a toll on my body. I'd gained over 40 pounds (note to partners - never mention to your wife that she now weighs more than you do) and my hip had been displaced by the time Amy was born. I was so glad that after a few weeks I could finally run again! Not really - I've never been a runner, except to dodge cars crossing the street. But I am able to walk fast! 

I continued to read and use trial and error. I knew projectile spit up wasn't normal. She ended up on soy formula - lucky she outgrew that milk allergy by toddlerhood. I didn't have any mommy peers in Osage to talk with about babies with, so the phone was my lifeline. It was long distance back then - so not as much chatting. That was a brutal winter in Northern Iowa so we didn't travel much. Doctor's well-child visits were also calming. Amy was thriving despite/because of us. One thing about babies - just when you get used to what they are doing, they're in a new stage!

We were blessed with the loving childcare we found for our children. It really found us in Osage when the ISU Extension Director, Neil Wubben told us his wife Karen would love to watch newborn Amy. Their four boys were growing up and she was looking for something to do. We delivered Amy to their home each workday as I toiled in the computer department at Fox River Mills, the sock/glove maker in Osage. Karen was a veteran Mom in caring for babies, which gave me comfort. 

In 1986, just after Amy turned one year old, we moved to Creston. We were sad to leave our wonderful childcare provider behind but were so fortunate that our realtor was connected. We met childcare provider Carol Frank, who lived just a few blocks from our new house. The whole Frank family pitched in with the kids being cared for at the Frank home. The Franks quickly became great friends and resources for a young couple with no family nearby (when Mom and Dad were in Florida half of each year).

Little Judson

When Judson was born a couple years later, I felt more like a veteran Mommy. A boy! We were shocked  - the first boy in our part of the Bullock fam since 1928. Again it was love at first sight with that little guy and joy in introducing Amy to her baby brother. There was also much satisfaction with our growing family.

I soon found out that no two babies are alike! I dug out the baby books and reviewed the month-by-month magazine on newborn development that Greater Regional Hospital sent home with me - dreaming of months ahead and night sleeping! Jud was his own little self right from the start. His January birthday guaranteed I'd be stuck inside for my six-week leave from First National Bank. My only outside contact was Paul.

I may end up having this hair again this year! A bit more gray. 

Some nights when Paul got home from work, I rushed out the door just for a break! Some of us may have those very feelings right now as we quarantine - being sealed up can be claustrophobic. When I went back to work, Jud went to Carol's with Amy. Carol loved newborns! And I appreciated adult interaction but was always excited to pick the kids up after work. Working fulltime helped me be a better parent when I was with our children.

So, we had two children, we thought our family was complete. Then, out of the blue, we started talking about another baby. I remember driving while delivering oxygen to people around southwest Iowa. A feeling came over me, telling me that was the right thing to do. Having a baby is always lifechanging. Having one that dies puts you on a different level of changed life.

Paul with Patrick

One thing that makes me sad about Patrick's short life is how I took his first two seemingly healthy days for granted. Don't we always find ways to blame ourselves? I'd had a C-section because he was breech, Paul brought the kids to visit. We were working on nursing - he was a bit tongue-tied. Then the nightmare of his heart crashing began. He was life-flighted to Methodist, we got the diagnosis and we went from joy to despair all in a matter of days. I'm so thankful I am able to be Patrick's mommy. He changed my life and continues to do so.

When life resumes in more normal ways, and I hear that "Mom, Mom, Mom!" I'll look, and then remember it's not my kid. For a very brief second, I'll wish it was.

It's a tough job - the best one I've ever had.

Advice: If you are struggling with young ones at home, try putting on some shades when you take a look back at the day. They are resilient little things. Yeah, they'll remember some of the weird stuff you did when they were little, like lock yourself in the bathroom for a self-timeout when you are feeling angry and a little out of control. We're all human. Do the best you can - find some space when you can't.

Happy Mother's Day to all the moms with children near and far, here and gone.

Family! 

  

My son

I received a Mother's Day card from my son yesterday. I get tears in my eyes when I think of it. What a cool guy he's turned out to be! I've bragged about him before - but he just keeps getting better. Some of the credit goes to his girlfriend Kara. Hanging out with a woman has helped put him in touch with those thoughtful things that many guys don't think of on their own - like flowers that arrive right on Mother's Day.

Jud actually wrote in the card he sent - he didn't just sign it. He's learned that about me - I like to read stuff! What he wrote was really sweet. Gulp. Cue the tears. Diana McKim would have been blubbering...

Jud called last night. He seems to like St. Louis so far. A Creston High classmate, Scott Vicker, has introduced him to some of his St. Louis University friends. Scott attended the school on a track scholarship and several buddies still live in the city. Jud is playing softball with one pal. Scott now works in Creston but he traveled to St. L last weekend. Jud got together with him and his friends for a meal and drinks - it sounded like he really enjoyed it. 

He said he wished he would have hung out with Scotty during high school. That's not how it works though, is it? In HS we're pulled so many ways - afraid of not being "cool". Many times the people you hang out with as an adult aren't the ones you would have as a kid. Or if you're me...you are still pals with your friend you met when you were 3! Right Robbie Dob?

Jud's working at Boeing - that Company seems to have an interest group for about everything, since they employ so many people in St. Louis. He's looking forward to playing soccer this summer and even football (I'm assuming it's flag - I don't think he's suiting up for the Rams) in the fall. Along with the softball league he's in - he's bound to have a passel of buddies in no time. Maybe he'll join a book club. haha.

Pardon my motherly gushing. Those of you who have known me (and Jud) for a long time know it wasn't always a smooth road. He was no hoodlum, but I had my share of sleepless nights. Worried he might always have tantrums, or wouldn't pass Spanish. Stuff like that. Looking back...it was all worth it. And for all you young (and not so) moms out there, I hope you are blessed with a child (or children, because Amy too has sent letters and cards like this one) who write to you and express what you mean to them. Even if they can't find the words to express it on paper or verbally...you'll know.

Our niece's daughter filled out this for Mom's day. Naomi is 2. I got a kick out of it.

Jud and Amy did a lot of publications like these through the years - though I don't think I was ever described as looking like a pea...

This goes out to Pat B. and all the mommies

fashion shot Pat Morehead  -around age 16

Without a doubt, my own mother Patricia Nelle Morehead Bullock was the biggest influence my life - the early years. She was a strong, intelligent woman who always advocated for me to do something with my life. She also held each of us Bullock girls accountable for our actions. I love talking with my sisters about her when we get together. During the 2020 pandemic, we've been video-chatting weekly. Before this, our interactions were much less frequent and were more likely to be email - less personal. So that is something good that has come from this invisible evil thing. 

Since she's been gone since 1997, sadly some of my memories are starting to fade.

Me and my Mommy

It's not like my Dad gets no credit in my upbringing. He was part of the formula - but Mom was the glue! To quote one of my fave priests (Father Leonard Kenkel..."thank you, thank you - even when I went to confession) for all you did" Mama.

On this Mother's Day weekend, I also must give a shout out to all those other moms out there - sorry to those I've missed. There are really too many to mention in this blog.  

• Laura Goldsmith, my mother-in-law, a kind, gentle and caring person of so many (9 children, 23 grandchildren). I never Laura say a mean word about anyone.
• My sisters - Susi forged the way, becoming a mom a year before I did. And Cindy and Betsy. All three are awesome mothers who have raised wonderful kids. Now, my niece, Leslie is even a parent herself! Since the original post, nephew Alex and wife Lisa became parents. I love being a great aunt, watching those little ones grow. 
• My Sisters-In-Law -  In my opinion, all the sisters and brother's wives did top-notch jobs as mommies - the 23 Goldsmith grandkids (21 without our 2) - nice people one and all! We're fortunate to be accumulating many great-nieces and nephews on that side as well. Love seeing those photos on FB.  
• Friends - first of all my college pals. Vicki was the first mom among us. She gave birth to Kelli the same year I had Amy. I copied her - on many things, but Amy was much less prissy than Kelli and didn't potty train herself.... Then Kay Wilt chimed in - bringing her girls into the mix. Such close families, fab kids. 
• Atlantic pals, Julia Hoilien, Pam Jepperson, Sally Rodgers, and Chris Watson - all strong loving mommas. 
• College roomie Jane Flack - parenting first three fab children  - who have grown to be great young adults. 
• Crestonians -
• We spent many evenings hanging out with the McFees sharing meals - the kids would play until someone had a problem. Then a mommy (or daddy) would have to settle it. Bobbie is a very organized, no-nonsense kinda mommy (similar to my parenting style) but she had a snuggler with Kim.  
• We also hung out with the McKims - another fam with children the same ages as ours. Diana always seemed to be cooking or coaching with her kids - they were well supported, passionately as only an Italian mamma can pull off.
• The Petersons, mothered by my pal Deb, were blessed with two sons. Deb came from a fam of all girls. She handled parenting boys gracefully - without snapping nearly as much as I might have when the testosterone was oozing and they were rassling or punting the football into each other's faces.
• Lucy Hyde, Joan Weis and other carpool pals - we swapped many a parenting story through the countless hours of carpooling to football, soccer and basketball games.
• Mary Faber - before that lady moved north, the Goldsmiths hung out with the McCann kids and Mary a great deal. She served as a great role model - someone who didn't allow her children to rule the roost. Mary seemed to get the job done without yelling or berating them. Hats off for that - I never quite mastered Mary's method.

There are many more of you Mommies out there - too many to mention. I was watching, you know. Moms - we all try our best. They who say it's the hardest job in the world. They're right!

Here are a few things I learned along the way.

• Babies seem so scary and fragile, but are tougher than they look. Moose bashed baby Kelli Behr's head on a ceiling (Playing "oops a daisy" in a bar). She cried like mad, but she is totally normal today...we think
• It's hard to not give in to a strong-willed child - especially when they are making a scene in a public place. You have to "pick your battles" but it you give in you'll be creating a monster
• I read many parenting books. (Not because Amy and Jud were lil monsters.) I'm a reader - that's how I learn. Parenting isn't innate. One must learn strategies!
• This is one thing that really resonated with me. Children truly want boundaries - rules. That's what makes them feel safe. If they are the ones setting all the rules then they have the power. That is overwhelming for them. In my opinion many families today are in this position - causing chaos.
• It's very easy to want to "fix" everything for your child. Even today - when my children are grown up. One should fight against doing that. Remember it's in battling against the bad things in life that one truly grows as a human being. Let your child fail. And then praise the heck out of them when they find a way back!
• Don't live your life over again through your child. Sure, if they like a sport or other thing that you enjoy - encourage it. That's only natural. But they are not a miniature you. 
• Be prepared for surprises - each generation thinks differently. Yours will too.  
• Let them go. Encourage it! If you blubber when they go off - to a friend's, to school, to grandma's it will make them feel sad/scared. It's hard and it makes moms sad. They came out of our bodies after all! But it's healthy for them. If you need to cry wait until they're gone. It should be an exciting time for them.
• While your child/kids are growing up, develop your own hobbies and nurture friendships. Don't be a martyr - thinking you will be doing the best thing by giving kids 100% your attention. Demonstrating a healthy marriage, (or healthy single parent who can deal with ex-husbands as the parent of your child), healthy friendships and hobbies is a great way to show you love them.
• I know, this all sounds preachy. Even to me. Parenting is much easier to pontificate than it is to do. I wasn't all that great at it. My children have many memories of times when I lost it. Why, oh why don't they remember the good stuff I did? I tell myself that's because that was everyday...

Children are much like the weather...except you don't get forecasts on TV and online. Those perfect days are so sweet! And on those other days - you just bundle up or strip down and go with it - dealing with it as best you can.

I sure enjoy watching and hearing about my little relatives and friends on Facebook and at work. The stories bring back memories of raising our children. I've had many titles through the years, but just like my mother before me...the one I'm most proud of is Mommy.

My fam at the circus in Atlantic

All my heart and gizzard

Love this pic - the denim look

With cousins Colby and Jordan at Christmas

I never knew it would be this way. That having kids and loving them would be such an overwhelming emotional experience. I love their father, of course. But he is my equal - my partner. It's a different kind of love that I have for Amy, Jud and Patrick (our little angel in heaven). The kind that knows no bounds.

From the first time I felt that fluttering in my belly when I was pregnant with Amy, I was hooked. I had been through one miscarriage and the sadness that goes with the loss of a pregnancy. So it was exciting that I could now feel that someone was really "in there" and letting me know it. Soon after that, Paul bought me a diamond necklace to celebrate my first Mother's Day, even though our child wasn't yet born. It's still my favorite necklace - I wear it nearly every day. I guess I feel like it's a good luck charm all these years later.

My love for my children has sometimes played out as Momma Tiger. School bullying has been a hot topic lately. Neither of our kids was picked on a great deal - but I can think of times when Amy and Jud each came home crying about something that happened at school. I'm all for kids working it out but in these cases, Momma Tiger kicked in! In each case, I spoke to the other child's mom - you better believe it. Let's just say Tyler Linderman didn't make fun of Jud's jeans again. And Jimmy Ide didn't mess with Amy's purse either. (I'm not as much of a Tigress as my sis Betso, but I can growl if need to).

And when they played sports, I've got to admit, sometimes I was That Mom. The one that yelled at the ref a little too much. But hey, I didn't carry my own score book for my kid...And I never called the coach to see why my little baby wasn't playing more. (Even though I thought he/she should be).

Watching Amy and Jud each receive first high school and then college diplomas (in 4 years no less) made my heart burst with pride. Visiting Jud in St. Joe and Amy in Denver and hearing about their new lives as young adults also makes Paul and me proud. I wasn't prepared for those kind of feelings when I signed up for this parenthood thing. Yeah, it's not all hearts and butterflies - there is some not so fun stuff in there. Like getting phone calls about things they need help dealing with. (I'm glad Paul gets the car and grill calls). And we don't always get along the greatest when we're together for long periods, especially when we try to stay in the same hotel room. We're not used to each other's quirks anymore I guess...

Today for Mom's Day, my children gave me a fab gift (a gift certificate for shoes!) and both contacted me. I feel really good about the people they're turning out to be. They are the gifts that keep on giving. Feelin' the love with all my heart and gizzard (one of Amy's sayings when she was little).

Mommy's Day

It was a nice Mommy's Day. Got a hug and a nice card from #1 son - he even wrote a lil something in there - not just his name. Amy called to check in - a phone hug if you will. The two of them conspired to get the two of us tickets to a kick-ass concert Memorial Weekend.

We'll be going to see Kansas, Styx, and Foreigner. All figured heavily in my childhood - okay my teenhood and twenties - and thus ever since. Kansas was the first of these groups I ever knew of. I believe Scott Deardorff was the influence there - just liked he turned me on to early Aerosmith. Yeah, I heard all the good tunes at the Deardorff household - cuz they were a musical family, so they had a great sound system and tons of albums.

Even today my favorite of the Kansas Albums remains the first one I heard -

Can I Tell You - is a great track! Plus Lonely Wind, and Bringing It Back. But these were never the big commercial hits for the band, so I'm sure they won't be the ones they play - alas! I do like Dust in the Wind. I'm a huge live music fan so I'll like whatever they play.

The last time I heard them was at Iowa Jam - 1976. I went with Chris Deardorff and Paula Bacon. We drank pre-mixed tequila sunrises. Craig Both and Jeff Weppler were with us - it was hot as hell and I remember the singer from Kansas saying it was hotter than pigf*#@ - he was right. I thought I'd get sunstroke so I went to the concession for a visor. I asked how much they were - I thought they said FREE but it must have been $3 I realized later. Sun was making me delirious - good thing I didn't get arrested for shoplifting!

Styx was never my fave band - their songs are kinda wimpy. Though Come Sail Away was always a good party song. I've got one of their live albums now. Foreigner came on the scene during college - my frosh summer of liveguarding. I bought the album in Omaha on my day off (I only got 1 per week). I don't think I've seen either of those two bands in concert.

I am a happy and fortunate momma. I have two wonderful children (and one angel). They work hard and are good people. They are intelligent and are fun to be with. Though my job as mother will never be quite complete, I fear they are quickly working me out of a job - growing up so completely and nicely. It has been my privilege to be the mommy of Jud and Amy Goldsmith.