Was it really me who had that baby who died? Sometimes it feels like that was someone else. Have I really grown that old? In some ways I feel like I was older when Patrick was born on December 2 and died December 8, 1991. He had a congenital heart defect that perhaps today they might have detected while I was pregnant. Would that have changed things?
Anyway, I sure had to act grown up then - a dead child with two babies to raise. Thirty four years old. Phew. Looking back, I was ancient!
Now I'm 54 with a child gone now twenty years! I was feeling so casual about today, Pat's bday, until I heard from some of my fam. Cindo texted. Jordie put something on Facebook and Betso emailed. Then Jud sent a text. I saw that Amy posted a photo of the three kids on Facebook and that really got to me - along with all the associated comments. My poor baby boy - his siblings who never got to know him. Thinking about it makes me a little weepy. It still hurts.
I always thought I'd be an "under the radar" kinda person. I wouldn't be the smartest, the prettiest or the nicest. On the flipside - I didn't consider myself a total dog in the looks department, and I know I'm pretty darn smart (or smartass). I wouldn't ever be the baddest - though I knew how to get in a bit 'o trouble. So I didn't think God would notice me enough to pick on me. Hey, I kept my head down!
So I'm still pretty shocked that it happened to me. To us. How did our family get picked to lose a child? Is there someone/something that does the picking? Is it to help character development? To make us learn a lesson? Was it protection from something that would have happened later in Patrick's life - he was destined to be a druggie? Or does stuff like that just happen randomly, and the higher power cries along with us when we hurt?
I still don't have the answers - the ones I searched so hard for right after Patrick was born and died. And I don't know why a good guy like my bro-in-law Boldie had to get an aggressive form of prostate cancer, or Thea is forced to fight myeloma. There are a lot of sucky things in life we all have to deal with. I guess if we knew, then we'd be that thing we call God.
When I think of Patrick - the miracle was the way our loved ones carried us through that awful time. And beyond that, the way others, some we didn't even know very well, reached out too. It was very touching. And I'll never forget our dear friend Father Howard. He alone makes me give the Catholic Church a pass on many transgressions. The guy spent a couple years stopping by our house, just checking on us, making sure our marriage survived the loss of a child.
He even loaned us money for medical and burial expenses - though he said it was from an anonymous parishioner - I'm sure it was him. Having someone give you an envelope with $2,000 cash in it, saying "just repay it when you can," was shocking. Humbling. We gave it all back quickly - we were fortunate that our parents helped with the funeral expenses. But I have never forgotten that loan.
Bless you our angel Patrick, on your 20th birthday. I learned many lessons because of you. I feel blessed to have a wonderful husband and two other fantastic kids.
For everyone dealing with the difficult things in life - may you be surrounded by loving people who help carry you.
3 comments:
What a beautiful post, Aunt Leslie. Though I know it's not the same - I had a friend named Maggie who died a month and a half ago. I'm still going through the mourning period - sometimes I feel angry, sometimed I feel depressed and something I feel like I can't breathe. Things make me think of her, and then I'm slapped in the face with the fact that she's no longer here anymore. Just shows that these types of feelings never go away when you loose someone. I hope you know our family loves you - I know I was too little to remember this, but Amy and I have talked about it and how it effected your family. Just breaks my heart - Your family is so kind and gentle - seems unfair and not having the answers is so frustrating! But, we just have to trust....in what? I'm not sure. But I trust you - and maybe you can trust me - and that will get us through. :)
Leslie, again you amaze me with your writing. I can't believe 20 years have gone by... thinking of you, Paul, Amy & Jud today
Leslie, your post was beautiful. I vaguely remember that time, when Amy and Jud came to stay with us for a while, and afterward, trying to make sense of it with Amy in our young minds. While my family has been more blessed than most - losing so few loved ones so far, I feel like I vicariously experienced some grief with your family, most memorably through the death of Amy and Jud's grandparents. Growing up with them made me identify with them, and I identified with their feelings of loss. While I know that the time will come for my family to lose loved ones as well, it's comforting to know that your family is there to help and empathize with us through it. Sending warm thoughts to you, Paul, Amy, Jud and Patrick today.
Post a Comment