Finding A Backbone - Confessions of a Childhood Bully

I've reconnected with a childhood friend on Facebook. It's amazing that this person ever wanted to have anything to do with me again. You see, I was part of "The Clique". That mob of girls who mowed their way through the puberty years - picking on others. Today we call it bullying.

We went from being a group of sweet young things, attending each other's birthday parties - playing pin the tail on the donkey. The next thing you know we were looking for ways to be critical. Things we talked about:
-Her Mom served dried out hamburgers
-She has to drag her little sister around all the time
-Their house has a strange smell
-Did you see her outfit?
-Let's not ask her to the movie
Can you believe how ridiculous these things are?

We held huge "slumber" parties where nobody slept and girls separated into groups. I tried hard to use my sense of humor to stay out of the fray, but I was no innocent bystander. A couple of girls got the brunt of the bullying. I don't know why they were isolated, not invited, and were chosen for vicious crank calls.

I was somewhat oblivious at that time in my life. I wasn't the empathetic soul that our daughter was from a young age. I developed that later in life.

Eventually,

Washington Elementary

we got "talked to" about our behavior. Our Washington Elementary teachers separated us out for a "meeting" We were told us this behavior wasn't acceptable. I don't think it helped - the damage was done. Once we went off to Junior High - and three schools came together, the clique broke up. It seems that's when we broke up into smaller friend groups. 

Looking back, I knew what we were doing was wrong. Even though I wasn't the main "instigator", I went along with it. I didn't speak up and say, "this isn't right - stop it!" I was weak. I didn't want to be next.

It wasn't until I had my own children that this part of my life came hurtling back to me. I found my voice. I began speaking up to point out things I believed were wrong. I wrote letters to the editor of the Creston News Advertiser - pointing out that the Creston Pantherette nickname was outdated. The female athletes should be proudly called Panthers just like the boys. I wrote a letter to the Atlantic News Telegraph, chastising the school staff there for allowing outrageous derogatory chants towards Creston's student-athletes. I also used my voice as a parent. I realized I no longer believed in the planks of the Republican party and switched to the Democratic party as the values supporting women's rights, LGBT, and a more progressive tax structure. Make no mistake though...my Republican roots are still in there.

I told my daughter about my experience growing up. I explained that I was part of a group that bullied girls. That it is big regret in my life. I don't know if I told Jud - he wasn't into listening to Mom's childhood stories back then. (He pretends better now).

Growing up isn't easy even when you're not being bullied. Even the most popular, most athletic, musical, smart, talented kids have issues. Everyone is insecure, Especially the ones who act super confident. What is it that makes us pick on others to lift us up? There must be another way for all of us to feel better about ourselves.

I've apologized to the person I wronged all those years ago. She graciously accepted. If there are others out there, I apologize to you too.

I try not to get too wrapped up in politics on Facebook. To me, it's a place to keep up with family and vacations, food etc. Sometimes, because we live who we are, politics and beliefs slip in.

I will keep using my voice when I just can't keep quiet. Others won't always agree with me. That's okay. What would this world be if we were all the same?   

FB free for 40 days and 40 nights

A goofy Marco Island selfie (complete with Paul's finger) I would have posted had I not been "off" FB in April

I gave up Facebook for Lent. I wasn't the only one who gave it up and it wasn't a huge noble gesture that saved mankind or anything. I didn't pray during the time I would have been surfing FB. But I must say that after making social media part of my life for the past ten years, living without Facebook was noticeable. It was a sacrifice! Lenten mission accomplished.

I missed you Facebook! And by "you Facebook", I mean all my FB friends. As I posted about one week into my FB diet - it was missing out on the lives of my friends and the ability to post on FB that was getting to me.

I felt like a smoker who was jonesin' for my toke. I'd take a picture of something clever and think, "now what?" Even if nobody comments, there is some satisfaction to posting a photo or comment for others to see. And to commenting on or "liking" others" stuff.

My "so Key West" photo

I kept up with my blog whilst grounded from FB - but it wasn't the same - I felt I was sending it off into the netherworld, with no way of getting any feedback. I don't know how newspaper writers did it. Of course they were mostly reporting the news - not spilling their life stories (some would say oversharing) for all to see.

While I was gone, Facebook underwent another change. I get it...they need to keep up with other sites vying for users. But so far I don't understand it...why have they picked their own groups for my friends? They need to send me some instructions. Right.

Anyway, I'm glad to know I can survive without that FB crutch. And I'm happy to be back on board post-Lent.

Kiddo Update:

San Diego selfie

Jud and Kara spent the weekend in San Diego - celebrating Kara's 25th birthday. They had a great time according to Jud - checking out the zoo and the local food scene. Now he's back at work at Boeing - filling out the lengthy information required due to the fact that he's working on defense contracts. They needed to know stuff like where Paul, Amy and I were born. And who cuts our hair. (I made that last thing up). #thorough!
Amy is having a busy week - a good thing when one is starting one's own biz. She's taking a marketing class and the instructor said it's a bad thing when people can smell it when you have "commission breath" and are desperate to make a commission to feed your family.

Missing FB and dreamin'

So let me get this straight. I've become so accustomed to my Facebook friends that now even my dreams have started inserting information about them. I gave up Facebook for Lent and I'm in withdrawal. I know...I'm not really supposed to talk about my sacrifice. It's part of the deal...no wrenching of my robes about what I'm doing without. But it's what I do - write about stuff.

Heritage House in Atlantic

This morning I dreamed one of my FB friend's dad is in a care facility in SW Iowa and can't really talk anymore. But he can still play cards. Hmmm. Where did that come from? I think the guy still lives happily at home with his wife. Paul and I WERE just discussing Long Term Care insurance yesterday. What to do about it...dilemma.

Facebook isn't my life - but I'd grown to depend on it a great deal for daily interaction. What's everyone up to? Who is having a birthday? What's happening in Creston and with my relatives? The other really tough thing for me...probably the biggest sacrifice. Not being able to share random photos and thoughts with my peeps. Oh there's Twitter - but I don't use that Social Media tool that way.

palm trees, pool - the sandy beach and gulf are just beyond the pool

Thank goodness for this Blog. Without seeing comments back though, which are mostly posted on Facebook, the Blog isn't as satisfying. But I'll keep plugging away. Just think how many comments I'll get to read on April 20th. April 20th...that's a long time from now. I get to go on vaca (our annual Marco Island, FL trip with sister Cindo) in the meantime, so that time shall fairly fly by.

Paul and Dave Fox had a rousing game of air hockey at Mercy hospital today. He is recovering well - but has some weakness physically. Brain injuries are awful things and each is different. Your continued thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Facebook hiatus

I thought about it for a week. Lent was coming up - a time of being thoughtful our priest told us. By writing this blog, I suppose I'm doing what last weekend's gospel reading told us not to - calling attention to myself during this time. But you know me - I'm an open blog. I gotta tell the story. I gave up Facebook for Lent.

It is a difficult thing for me to give up. I've grown accustomed to its face. Facebook has been a part of my life for almost ten years! When Amy went to college she joined Facebook - then open only to people with college email addresses. Somehow I wheedled her password out of her. I loved this new thing - Facebook. Through it I got to know Amy's college friends and learned a few things I probably really didn't want to know. It was nice keeping up with Creston kids too.

Then Facebook opened up the medium to all users to everyone - not just students. I got my own page - and was forced to play with others my own age. I must admit I missed Amy's friends - but thought it might be weird asking them all to be my friends! About that time I started working in Des Moines. FB was a good tool to use to stay connected with friends and family. It also helped me reconnect with some classmates I hadn't talked to for a while.

Through the years, via FB, I have come to know some friends and family better than I ever have before. I have really enjoyed that aspect of the social media - especially the photos! Oh sure - there have been a few mis-steps. I posted those baby pictures of Jud when he was a college freshman and he immediately texted me to say he was un-friending me! I guess I should not have identified (or tagged to use the lingo) him in the photos - but I totally thought they would make him a babe magnet. Of course I'm his mother...

I get frustrated with FB at times - everyone sees the privacy notice warnings. And in the early days the ads weren't as prevalent. I am not a game fan so those I wish I could turn them off permanently. Political stuff - on both sides of the aisle. I don't really wish to see any of it. I'm on FB to see stuff about your family, vacations, weekends. I don't want to see that you hate a candidate, love one or are foaming at the mouth about a topic. I try not to do it - but must admit I'm weak at times.

So here I am whining about my big sacrifice. It's good for me and therapeutic - but know that even though in my heart I know this break from social media (at least FB) is good for me - I sure miss my FB friends. Good thing I still have Twitter!

Facebook Anniversary

My Facebook Anniversary film says I've been on FB since 2008.

In honor of FB's 10th anniversary Facebook put together little video (with music no less) slide show of some of the pics and posts from my timeline. (They did this for everyone evidently). My pal Mary Morman-Graham mentioned that hers made her think of something that might be played at her funeral...I do think they might have selected spunkier music.

Homecoming princess

Facebook didn't quite get it right on my history though. They missed my "Amy" stalking years. You see when my kiddo went off to college in 2004 I felt so left out of her life. When she was in high school, her activities kept us very busy. It's not like we were best friends, but I did like participating in her life. And I'd heard of this new thing for college kids (back then you needed a .edu email address) - Facebook.

Amy felt sorry for me. She clued me in on her FB password and I began my secret life in Amy's inner circle. I had to promise not to read her messages, but other than that, FB provided me a fantastic bridge into the world of the college student.

This is what FB looked like in 2004 - but it's obviously NOT Amy's...
 

I only posted as Amy a couple times - as a joke - just messing with her social life a little. I don't even remember what I did but it WAS funny. Sometimes I saw some very eye opening posts I must say. But I was operating in the "dome of silence" - unless it would have been something life or health threatening.

Amy's HS peeps - they were a class ahead of her

FB helped me keep up on kids from Amy's high school - where were they now? Who were they dating? Was she keeping in touch with them? I missed some of them - was used to seeing them from high school sports and social events. I kept up on who was dating whom and who broke up.

Through this new "Social Media" medium I was also able to "meet" Amy's new friends. So when she talked about people I could look them up - where were they from? What were their posts like? Did they seem nice? Were they cute?

Amy and college pal Brian - and yes I knew all about him...

Was I obsessed with FB? No, I still had my own exciting life in Creston - I was busy with Jud's sports activities and my job at Prairie Solid Waste Agency. Paul and I had season football tickets and saw Amy fairly frequently in person. She had the usual college drama - short term boyfriends, roommates and classes.

In 2008, Facebook and I had both grown up. FB had opened up availability to others (besides .edu emails) by then. So I finally started by own identity! I still tried to keep up on Amy - she was a college senior. That was confusing! I found myself posting stuff on her page, thinking I was on mine. Bad Mommy! So I eventually quit accessing Amy's FB. We are FB friends though - AND I'm friends with some of her college pals! They keep their pages so boring these days...sigh.

darling boy - what's not to like?

When I started my own FB page, I learned how to post photos to it - and put some scanned baby/child photos of the children on there. Jud was in college. Shortly I received a text from my son, "I am NOT your friend any more". I assumed he meant on FB. Aww who wouldn't like those cute baby pics posted - all the chicks would dig those right? He had "unfriended" me. I learned not to "tag" photos. Jud has become less sensitive since then - and I have learned to be more sensitive about what people might like or not like to have tagged. We're friends once again.

Of course my fam has their lives bared for all to see here in this blog...so now they're used to it! I don't know what will be next after Facebook - but I thank Mark Zuckerberg et al for inventing this vehicle. It keeps me up on friends' lives, has put me in touch with old friends, family that I wouldn't otherwise hear from so regularly and peeps that I know in other ways. It gives me a way to save my photos. Especially since I started commuting and then after we moved away from Creston. I like it.

I don't like the games so as long as they give me a way to turn those off - yay. Bravo Facebook - you are what we make of you. I do have concerns about privacy, but so far the benefits outweigh those. Please don't screw it up.

Alternative L&P

Tomorrow night we're finally going to meet Alternative Leslie and Paul! After all these years of knowing about each other - at least we knew of them since one of their kids was born and my HS buddy Candice sent me a clipping announcing the birth. I'll report on how it went. I'm thinking the event is really worthy of a DM Register Lifestyles section. haha

I just reconnected with Candice on non-other than Facebook. I know many people just aren't into it. I totally understand that attitude. And I was a lil shy about signing up at first - after all I had been a Facebook Stalker - using Amy's password to check out her college friends ever since she went away to school. But I'm an old lady - why would I get on FB?

Then my sis Bets joined, and friended (it's a verb in FB lingo) both my kids. I thought heck, if they'll be friends with her, why not me? It was a little weird for nephew Colby (little did he know, I'd been checking out his page for years as Amy), so I'm not his buddy anymore. Nor am I Jud's friend since posting some baby pics of his (he was so adorable) that his friends laughed at.

But my other nieces and nephews tolerate me. The older ones with kids can't hardly find time to get one there - understandable! But empty nesters like me have the time. I enjoy looking at everyone's photos.

When Candice friended me I was able to see her photos - when you post photos, you can indicate just who can see them. People who are not on your friend list can't see them, besides a tiny shot of your main photo showing who you are. Some people don't ever put their pic on there.

I've connected with several long lost friends on FB. Mostly Atlantic classmates, and others from nearby classes. Mona Jones and I were once bestest buddies, until I went to college. She is a class behind and decided to try U of Iowa, before going to nursing school closer to Atlantic. Mona is one of the funniest, wittiest people I know. We were mean girls together!

Anyways, Candice lived only a couple blocks from me in the 'ol neighborhood. I'd stop and pick her up (this was back when we walked to and from school) so we didn't have to walk to school alone. By junior high that was important! It was at Candice's house, out back during a student council dance that I experienced my first kiss - Jack Bunce. Hmm that sounded kinda like a Clue guess. It was out back by the driveway with Jack's lips!

That was after Robyn (yes the same Robbie Dob) said that Greg Younger had kissed her. But then she found out he didn't want her to tell, so she rescinded it. But it was too late - by then I'd been kissed too. Alas, later that year Jack threw me over for someone who had made the cheerleading squad. (cheerleading was our only option as sports didn't start in our school until 10th grade).

Candice's parents bought her sister this cool old car, so when it was cold out, Claudia would give us a ride. One wintry day on slick streets near my house we got in a minor fender bender in the car. When Candice got her license, she drove a cool something like '62 Chevy.

Betsy took piano lessons from Candice at some point - we must have been in high school. Not sure why Bets got out of lessons with Mrs. Sandhorst like the rest of us had to suffer through. I still know how to play Skip to My Lou. Beat that Betso!

I know this blog rambled. Sorry - think of it as an exercise in free flowing thought.