It would have been Patrick's 25 birthday on December 2nd. He was born 12/2/91 and passed away 12/8/91. The first couple days of his life were fine. I feel bad thinking back, that I took it for granted.
Then his heart crashed and he was rushed via air ambulance to Blank Children's Hospital in DSM. He was diagnosed with Hypoplastic Left Heart syndrome. There were really no good options for us at that point, other than to disconnect life support. We took him home to the Creston Hospital where he passed away in our arms.
That experience was life-changing. When we first got to Des Moines and the pediatric cardiologist met Paul and me, she led off by saying, "You have a beautiful son." I knew that was the worst news. My heart sank.
Periodically I re-live that moment. A telling moment in my life - when I grew up. I didn't live in a fairy tale anymore.
How many times did that doctor have to give devastating news to people like us? Your son's heart is incomplete. It was a death sentence back then - today, there are more options.
I didn't want to believe the doc. But it was true. And so he passed away at only six days of age. We went home with empty arms, to two young children who needed our care. I needed to heal, and parent. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.
Looking back, I don't know how I did it. Or how we kept our marriage together. It's easy to be angry at your partner when he doesn't grieve like you do. Guys (at least mine) don't want to talk about it. They want to work in their shop and build stuff! I read every book in the Compassionate Friends library (a cardboard box of books). Books about other parents who had lost children - I wanted to read about their pain, and then get to the end of the book. Just to make sure they got through it.
Our priest, Father Howard stopped by periodically, just to make sure we were doing okay. We'd make popcorn and chat. Amy and Jud, then ages six and not quite three, kept us busy. Amy was very compassionate. She'd draw cards showing Patrick as an angel - always including him as part of our family. Jud didn't quite understand what happened, but he was do adorable and made us laugh.
For better, for worse was a vow Paul took seriously. You never really now how someone will be during tough times until you go through them. Though I don't recommend it, Paul is a wonderful partner to go through hell with. He put up with a wife who had a lot of tears to cry. He entertained the kids during those times, getting supper on the table too. Yep, I picked a good one!
Slowly we worked through the toughest part of our grief. It never really goes away. Especially around Patrick's birthday I always wonder, "what if"? He'd have been a busy guy, standing up with his brother and sister in two weddings in 2016 and 2017. Maybe he'd be living in our basement. Haha! I am too "Pat Bullock" for any of our kids to think of living there for long.
Our family is growing! We've added a daughter - Jud's wife Kara. In 2017, we'll add Amy's fiancé Corey to the fam. Our angel has more people to watch over now.
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